‘If I had to sum up my mother in one anecdote, it would be this,’ begins Ingrid*, a 44-year-old woman from Canberra, Australia.
‘She turned up to my wedding stoned. In a white mini dress. Then cried so loudly and obnoxiously during the vows we had to wait 30 seconds for her to compose herself.’
Ingrid’s mother is one of the two per cent of Australians diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder (HPD), one of the rarer ‘type B’ personality disorders impacting women at four times the rate of men.
‘Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a mental health condition distinguished by excessive emotionality, compulsive attention-seeking behaviour, and overly dramatic interpersonal styles,’ explains clinical psychotherapist Julie Sweet, of Seaway Counselling and Psychotherapy.
‘HPD includes emotional outbursts, loud displays of temper, “over-the-top” behaviour and self-centeredness.
‘This behaviour may also be flirtatious, emotional, seductive or otherwise so as to attract the attention of others.’
The onset of this condition usually occurs in late adolescence or early adulthood, with individuals with HPD typically described as narcissistic, self-indulgent and extroverted.
‘In parents with HPD, dramatic, attention-seeking, and manipulative behaviours may be present, including emotional dysregulation,’ Sweet adds.
Psychotherapist Julie Sweet says parents with histrionic personality disorder are ‘dramatic’ and ‘attention-seeking’
‘They may show excessive emotionality, dramatism, or flamboyance, be preoccupied with appearances, and highly susceptible to influence.
‘Rapidly shifting emotions, overestimation of relationship closeness, and a constant need for reassurance or approval are also common characteristics.’
For Ingrid, these signs and symptoms are a checklist of the ongoing traumatic experiences that have marked her relationship with her mother since childhood.
‘She split from my dad when I was two, and then married my stepdad – a truly lovely man – when I was three. By the time I was five they were living apart too, even though I know he tried to deal with my mum’s ups and downs,’ she says.
‘Mum cheated on him, was terrible with money, lied through her teeth – and at the same time had so much charisma it took him so much longer than it should have to realise it wasn’t going to work.
‘She was – and still is – a beautiful-looking woman, but she can be so hurtful.’
While Ingrid’s mother had short-term flings throughout her childhood – some of these men even lived with them – most of the time she carried the weight of her mother’s mood swings, and what she describes as her ‘toxic main-character energy’, all on her own. It was a terrible burden.
‘We’ve been kicked out of restaurants, I’ve had to pay off her credit card debt, and I know that she’ll probably end up financially dependent on me in her old age,’ she says.
Ingrid’s mum turned up stoned to her wedding wearing a white mini dress. She cried during the ceremony and needed to be calmed down afterwards (stock image posed by model)
‘I do love her, but she hasn’t made much effort to manage her condition.
‘It’s only in therapy as an adult that I’ve realised how much it has messed up my own ability to form healthy relationships.’
‘Such parent-child relationships often lend themselves to over-functioning and under-functioning dynamics, as well as something called parentification, where the child is forced to take on the role of emotional caregiver to the parent,’ notes Sweet.
‘All of which may cause the child to suffer and subsequently struggle with self-regulation.
HPD may be exacerbated by parents who are inconsistent, overly permissive, or fail to establish clear boundaries. Children may adopt dramatic or sexual behaviours by learning from their parents’ modelling.
Ultimately, relational safety may not be adequately established, which does not serve the child’s best interests.
‘I once had a therapist who told me her clients with a histrionic mother often struggled even more than those whose parents had other severe disorders like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD),’ says Ingrid.
‘I really felt a lot of times growing up that there was no room for a sense of self. The whole show was about my mother.’
When Ingrid fell in love and moved out with her boyfriend, her mother would call her at all hours of the day or night.
‘Once it was because she thought there was someone trying to break in; another time it was because she was convinced she was having ‘chest pains’ (it was indigestion); and another time it was to abuse me for being ‘selfish’. At 3am,’ she recalls.
Ingrid eventually married that boyfriend (and experienced her mother’s wedding day melodrama), but the relationship was marred by his infidelity and alcoholism.
‘I’m not surprised that I went from one toxic dynamic to another. It was all I ever knew about love,’ she explains.
Ingrid says she often walks ‘on eggshells’ around her mother and believes growing up around a histrionic mother has impacted her adult relationships (stock photo posed by models)
Sweet says it’s an all-too-common experience for the adult children of parents with HPD.
‘The emotional well-being of adult children whose mothers have HPD can be significantly affected, as I’ve observed in my clinical practice,’ she explains.
‘This can lead to challenges in forming healthy relationships, both interpersonal and intimate, parenting and friendships. Clients also may experience low self-esteem, a lack of self-worth, exhibit a strong need for validation, and prioritising others’ needs over their own, often as a result of their mother’s emotional instability, unavailability and attention-seeking behaviour during their childhood and adolescent years.
‘Adult children with these characteristics often develop people-pleasing tendencies, fear conflict, struggle with insecurity and trust issues, and can be at risk for anxiety, depression and other personality disorders themselves.’
Ingrid, who says she has been medicated for anxiety for two decades and in therapy for nearly as long, feels as though her mother’s HPD kept her in what she describes as ‘a constant state of alertness to other people’s emotions’ for many years.
‘I’m often still on eggshells around my mother, almost pre-empting her next tantrum or ridiculous outburst,’ she says.
‘But I’ve learned to have healthier relationships with other people in my life. I have a supportive partner and I have a beautiful group of friends. It’s been hard, ongoing work, but I do think I’ve come a long way.’
‘It may be possible for some individuals to establish a healthy relationship with a mother who has HPD, provided that they maintain firm boundaries, engage in clear and direct communication, and cultivate a strong support network and professional resources, in addition to developing emotional regulation and emotional detachment skills,’ says Sweet.
‘Through therapy, such as psychotherapy, counselling, talk therapy or trauma-informed care, for instance, some individuals may realistically achieve this goal, as they are in control of their self-care, prioritising themselves and choosing what and who they accept (or not).’
* Names have been changed.
