My daughter has confided in me that her partner is gambling – to the extent that she has asked me for a loan so they can pay the mortgage.
They both work full-time. I will help them out this once but as far as I’m concerned she should leave him before they get into debt and her credit score is ruined. What do you think?
C.M. via email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I’m sorry to hear about this difficult situation. While it’s understandable that you want to protect your daughter from emotional and financial harm, suggesting that she leave her partner might not be the best approach.
She may care deeply about him, and alongside any anger or disappointment regarding his gambling, there may also be love and a desire to work through this challenge with him.
Suggesting she leave might could result in her feeling even more isolated as she grapples with what is clearly a distressing issue.
Start by understanding more about what’s happening.
What does it mean that her partner ‘is gambling’? Does your daughter know how long this has been going on, or whether he has been diagnosed as a problem gambler or gambling addict?
Or could this be the first sign of a habit that began as a casual distraction? Gaining clarity on the scope of the issue will help inform what steps to take next.
Rescuing someone with a gambling issue can create a cycle of dependency, says Vicky Reynal
It’s also important to get a sense of how your daughter feels about the situation. Where does she fall on the spectrum from alarmed to in denial about her partner’s behaviour?
If she’s hopeful this was a one-off and insists he doesn’t have a serious problem, acknowledge that part of her wants to believe it won’t happen again.
At the same time, gently point out that she might also wonder whether this is the start of a slippery slope or even the tip of an iceberg with her partner hiding past debt or financial secrets. And not all of these would show up in a credit check, such as family loans). Encourage her to be as realistic as possible about what’s happening, as this will help her set financial boundaries to protect herself.
If she’s alarmed, her concerns may be well-founded, but you can reassure her that there are steps she can take to manage the situation and help him, while also safeguarding her own well-being.
Helping her pay the mortgage this time may feel like the right thing to do, but it could also unintentionally enable her partner’s behaviour by shielding him from its consequences.
Wonder with her why she’s asking you for financial help. Has she been rescuing him financially in the past? What did he do when he realised he couldn’t meet his mortgage obligation? Did he ask his own family for help? Did he try to make amends, or did he simply trust that she (or you) would step in?
Rescuing someone with a gambling problem can create a cycle of dependency, where they feel less pressure to take accountability. Of course, your daughter may worry about a late payment affecting her credit score, but it’s worth asking whether all other options have been exhausted before she turns to you.
While it’s understandable to consider leaving the relationship, this is a complex and deeply personal decision that only your daughter can make. If she wants to stay, encourage her to prioritise her emotional and financial wellbeing by setting clear boundaries.
She might want to separate their finances (this might feel unromantic or even rejecting, but it could protect her credit score and savings); protect any shared commitments (she might want to use an account for these with blocks on gambling-related transactions); and tools like Gamban or Gamstop can help protect against gambling on devices. Remind her to encourage transparency in the relationship. If they want to work through this together, he must be open about debts, expenses, and financial habits.
Let your daughter know that she can talk to you about her feelings and that she’s not alone. There are resources, like GamCare (www.gamcare.org.uk), that provide advice, helplines, and emotional support for families of those affected by gambling.
This is also a moment for you to model healthy boundaries. You might decide to help with the mortgage this time, but only on the condition that her partner takes responsibility by seeking professional help, such as through a gambling clinic, therapist, or Gamblers Anonymous (www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk). Make it clear that this is a one-time loan and that you won’t provide further financial support if the gambling continues.
By setting boundaries, you’re helping your daughter see the importance of accountability – not just for her partner but also for herself. Your desire to protect her is commendable, but long-term solutions require her partner’s commitment to change and her own autonomy. With your support and guidance, she can navigate this difficult time while ensuring her emotional and financial wellbeing remains a priority.
Do you have a question for Vicky? Email [email protected]
