My brother lives in my mother’s house. He moved back home after my father died when his marriage was in trouble. He is 73 and she is 94. He has paid her £400 per month in rent for more than ten years but has a large pension. He uses my mother’s bank card – whether it’s to buy them fish and chips or his petrol. His being in the house is a comfort to her but he spends most of the time in his room or lying on the sofa on his mobile phone, so he’s not really company for her. She was in hospital recently for three months and he didn’t pay any rent – of which she is aware. There are five of us siblings, we don’t have power of attorney and we don’t know how to broach the subject with him or our mother. Can you help?
VICKY REYNAL REPLIES: I can see why the situation has raised a red flag as a potentially exploitative arrangement. I think it’s important not to make assumptions. What we don’t know is whether your mother experiences it as exploitative or if she doesn’t mind covering your brother’s costs.
As strange as it might seem, there is a possibility that she doesn’t mind: it could be a defence against her fear of being alone and lonely (her generosity keeps your brother around) or maybe she feels needed and helpful by funding some of his costs. You wish he were better company for your mother and that he put in more effort and care but, again, we don’t know to what extent your mother is experiencing this the way you are.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers your financial questions
I would suggest you speak to her first: have an open conversation. Start broad: ‘How are things with x (your brother)?’ You can tell her that you know that he hasn’t been paying rent and has been using her bank card often and you wanted to make sure that she is aware and ok with it. Ideally, you shouldn’t put words in her mouth: ask open-ended questions like ‘how do you feel about it?’ rather than ‘I imagine you must be livid’ which says more about how you feel than what she might be thinking. If you sense an uncertainty in her answer you can gently prod, ‘are you sure’?
If she is bothered by it, then it’s important to understand if she has tried to confront him before about it and has been undermined or dismissed. Any of those would indicate potential financial abuse (this is when her financial freedom is compromised) and it would be important to expose it in order to safeguard her.
Divorced grown-up children can sometimes overstay their welcome after being forced by money worries into moving back in with elderly parents (picture posed by models)
It could be that your mother is bothered but has never said anything, so you could encourage her to speak to your brother or you could facilitate a conversation if you think she is unlikely to take the initiative. You could explore the idea of power of attorney with your mother as an option, if she feels vulnerable to being exploited.
If you speak with your brother remember not to start with an accusation: listen to his version of what is going on. Refrain from using strong language and keep a calm tone. Focus on what you and your mother feel as a result of his actions, so that it is clear what he needs to change. ‘When you don’t pay rent, she feels uncomfortable having to ask you’ for example or ‘I feel worried about mum’s autonomy, when I see you spending money with her bank card.’
In the event that you find out that your mother is actually not bothered or even fine with the current arrangement, you might be left with a lot of feelings to deal with. Presumably anger towards your brother who isn’t being the son you wished he were. Maybe envy too that he gets away with a lot (and I wonder if that is ‘typical’ of the past?) You might also be angry with your mother, either for letting this happen – does she often let people take advantage of her generosity?, or maybe because she hasn’t shown you gratitude for the efforts that you do put in. After all you tell me that you take your mother to all her hospital appointments and manage all her utilities and bills. And maybe there is jealousy in the mix if money represents love or attention that you feel your brother does now or did in the past get more of. Sometimes when present situations evoke strong feelings it can be because they hook into emotional relics from the past.
Acknowledging and giving room to the range of feelings that this situation provokes helps you try to disentangle what belongs to the past and what belongs to the present, and what are your feelings about this situation versus your mother’s potentially different view.
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