Men who chew with their mouths open? Ick. Telling me how much money you make as you chow down on free bread? Ick. Being rude to the waitstaff? Ick. Photos of yourself holding up big fish? Ick.
It’s a visceral reaction, sometimes a disproportionately large one, to someone else’s seemingly innocuous behavior.
They’re often discovered during courtship, or whatever the 2025 version of courtship is. I think the touchstones are Hinge prompts with those icebreakers like ‘I’m weirdly attracted to…’ and ‘I won’t shut up about…’, agreeing in advance on a time to leave the party and eating in bed.
Think of the ick as a lighthearted take on classic evolutionary biology and mate selection. Humans are hard-wired to select mates with genetic fitness, or the traits associated with longevity, strength, and making healthy children.
Millions of years ago, the ‘icks’ may have been a partner who struggled to hunt, had a hunched back, always smelled bad, and put their offspring in danger.
That sudden feeling of repulsion when your partner arrives to dinner with a man-bun, can’t differentiate between ‘there’ and ‘their’ in writing, or claps when the plane lands could actually be an innate alarm bell that this person is weak/incompetent/not worth introducing your mother to.
Researchers have discovered that women are far more likely than men to experience the ick
Photos of men holding a fish give me the ick – it’s a visceral reaction, sometimes a disproportionately large one, to someone else’s seemingly innocuous behavior
Which is probably why psychologists at a Californian university recently discovered that women are far more likely than men to experience the ick – some 75 percent of women compared to 57 percent of men.
Years before the younger generation had christened this Darwin-esq danger sign ‘the ick’, I was dancing with a man named Mateo in a Madrid nightclub, having a great time. He was handsome, had rhythm, and didn’t give off a hard-to-explain murderer vibe that most if not all women can instinctively recognize.
The lights were dim, the occasional strobe or flash highlighting his jawline that made me swoon. He looked like a Disney prince.
I was prepared and dare I say eager to go home with him when, all of a sudden, he pulled out his cell phone, typed with his thumbs, and held it up into the air.
This man was Shazam-ing 2008’s triple-platinum-#1-on-the-Billboard-Hot-100 classic Love in this Club by modern-poet Usher, and featuring Young Jeezy.
I can’t explain why it turned me off so much. There’s something about pulling a move more suited to a proud dad at a Bar Mitzvah that kills my mood.
Getting the ick ahead of a one-night stand isn’t the worst thing. You weren’t going to bring him home for Thanksgiving.
But it gets dicey when you realize that you like this person. And despite the fact that he sighs with satisfaction after drinking a tall glass of ice water, you could see introducing him to your family.
In my experience, though, some icks simply cannot be ignored.
A gentleman I was dating in Washington, DC was, at first, a strong candidate for a relationship. He was sweet, kind of corny but sometimes funny, caring, and was at least as emotionally intelligent as a precocious child (think Matilda). I can say from experience that this is an unusual find in a man.
But at his birthday brunch – by the way, men, don’t do this – he was rude to the servers, barking orders and making side comments about the wait for the food.
It worsened when he was rude to an Uber driver on the way to the following activity.
In my experience, a person who is rude to service workers is showing their true colors in those moments.
He arrived at my apartment one afternoon when I failed to text him back for days after this event. (And, yes, showing up to someone’s home uninvited is an ick.)
After trying and failing to pretend I wasn’t home, I let him in, and tried to calmly explain to him that I didn’t think we were a good match and shouldn’t continue seeing each other.
After he fought against my reasoning, I couldn’t hold back: ‘You have the manners of a child who was left in the woods and was forced to subsist alone on berries and squirrels, until being introduced into civilization well after his frontal lobe has developed.’
Spotting an ick early on is your gut’s way of telling you to move along
He didn’t respond and, in a desperate need to fill the awkward silence, I couldn’t help but carry on: ‘Oh and “your” without the apostrophe is possessive. “You’re” with the apostrophe-R-E is “you are”.’
I wonder sometimes if the ick is just an excuse to pump the breaks on a relationship that I feel is moving too quickly. Sometimes I also wonder if I’m just too picky.
But I also don’t think it’s too much to ask that a man not have long talons for finger – or toe – nails. I don’t think it’s a huge reach to look for a man who thinks having a snake as a pet is weird, or someone who has never had a man bun.
Armchair psychologists (and, I’ve found, insecure men) say fixating on an annoying behavior and allowing it to accelerate the end of a relationship suggests a fear of close connection. I disagree.
These little, grating behaviors may seem like petty grievances but, for me – and many other women – they’re non-negotiable.
Spotting an ick early on is your gut’s way of telling you to move along.
And if this makes me picky, well, I’d rather be picky than ignore red flags that set me up for years of second-hand embarrassment when he applauds the plane landing.
